im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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