His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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