The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.