My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
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Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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