Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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