Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
