oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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