hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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