Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.