Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper