My entire life is one complicated drinking game
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
