I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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