Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize