I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
