Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The Olympian is in my bed
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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