I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
