You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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