i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
