I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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