you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.