he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
