I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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