Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.