so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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