i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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