the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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