There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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