Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
