Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your penis caused this!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
