This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
