I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
