shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
