So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
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So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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