Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
