So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
