We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
