This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
