I feel great
I just peed on a car
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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