I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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