I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
