Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
