at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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