just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life