I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.