Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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