i was born a porn star she said
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
