dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish I only lived at night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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