It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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