I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Jerry, you need to find god
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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