dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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