so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
