i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
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i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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